Robert Garnham: Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.
Dan Antopolski: Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse.
Caroline Mabey: I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.
Athena Kugblenu: Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.
Evelyn Mok: My vagina is kind of like Wales. People only visit ironically.
Phil Wang: In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.
Gráinne Maguire: The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in.
John-Luke Roberts: How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives.
Olaf Falafel: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.