It’s Me – Chapter 5

I woke up to my first morning in my new dwelling. I find my litter tray, at least I assume it’s mine, and make a good job of everything, pushing the pieces into a corner like my mum taught me so they don’t stick to my fur the next time I’m in there. This is plain consideration for myself and anyone else who might want to use the tray later in the day. I hope the humans clean out the tray once a day so there’s no lingering pungency for which I will no doubt get the blame being the new cat on the block as it were. The litter tray is unusual because it’s on top of a cupboard and contains some rather bulbous looking green things with spikes that are sharp. I paw tested the spikes and they penetrated my pad rather easily. I believe this is an unusual item to find in a litter tray and I resolved to discover more about items people can buy to adorn litter trays so their felines feel at home when going about their business. There were five of the green things in the tray, but I managed to squeeze my rear end into a space where no spikes would penetrate my bottom. It was an uncomfortable position to be in, but they say an artist has to suffer for his art and I am virtuoso at poo, so this is my struggle that I will have to endure until I can find a place outside with some soil and burrowing options for burying the offending items so they remain undetected. There’s a garden outside the building next door, which looks promising, and I will have to investigate further after my morning post-prandial siesta. There are two bushes to give me cover and some tall flowers I can crouch behind for privacy.         

Talking of prandial I find some bowls in the kitchen on top of another cupboard. They contain some interesting articles I am not familiar with. One is soggy and oozes a purple colour. There’s a string attached and a small label reading Stash. I presume it’s for me and I chew it vigorously but all that seems to happen is that a sweet-smelling liquid trickles down my throat. One or two small items, some kind of leaf, get stuck in my teeth, and others I swallow. They’re not going to be very filling for a growing cat like myself. I manage to dislodge the leaves with my tongue after two minutes of intensive work. I spit the rest out onto a plate and then investigate the next bowl. This is an unusual buffet breakfast layout for a cat. This bowl contains a light-brown rectangle of crunchy texture that disintegrates when I bite into it. Pieces fly everywhere except into my mouth. Is this a joke? Is this designed so I keep my thin figure? I lick a couple of crumbs from the counter but they are really dry. My luck changes with the next bowl where lies a thin slice of something chewy and slightly sweet. My teeth aren’t designed to consume this item effectively as I tear the item into small pieces but find it difficult to swallow as it dissolves into a brown mess that dribbles down my chops onto the counter. The small amount I do swallow tastes wonderful and so I chew the whole slice, unfortunately consuming perhaps less than 15% of the original. The next bowl contains some small black items that taste quite bitter. I can’t chew them because they’re rock hard and would constipate me I’m sure if I were to swallow them by mistake. The taste isn’t too bad when combined with the brown mess I lick from the counter. The final items are some small, brown items that taste salty. These are crunchy too and I decide it’s best to swallow them whole rather than use my gnashers to break them into smaller pieces. I think a fragment of one of them is stuck in my teeth and I’m not sure how to get rid of it until I realise I will be able to use one of the spikes on the green things in my litter tray to remove the offending item and sure enough, after a couple of false starts which result in a sore gum, I manage to impale the brown item on the spike. I have a good aim sometimes even in cramped conditions on top of the cupboard.

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

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