Cat Coronavirus Diary – Day 13

Hello Humans:

I am writing this on 47th March because by now all the days are blurring into each other and there’s no point in having April and May and possibly June as they’re all going to seem like March. Yes, human time and cat time are gradually merging and melding into meaninglessness for humans. Still, as long as the dolphins are enjoying themselves in Venice then that’s all that matters.

I want to write today about shaving. The male human hasn’t shaved since early March and he now has a nice beard that makes him look wiser and a lot older. I quite like the look of the beard and I would like to grow one too. But how does a cat grow a beard? Or a moustache? I am covered in hair or fur as it’s called in humanity and yet none of it grows in length.

I have started lying on the floor, trying to force the hair to grow along my jawline but it doesn’t seem to be working as the hair isn’t increasing in length, which is disappointing. I think I might have to start shaving myself to get rid of all the other fur so that the remaining fur looks like a beard and moustache. However, the shaver is so difficult for me to grip and I can’t operate the shaving foam container properly as it always shoots the white stuff away from me onto the mirror.

The best thing about this is that the female human blames the male human for not tidying up after himself. He then points at his beard and says he hasn’t shaved so it can’t be him, it must be her. I just lurk and smirk at their ingenuity in finding something to argue about.

Miaoooooooowwwwwwwww for now

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

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