Tomcat Tompkins – 47

This novel is something a little different for me. It is a satire set in the UK at the present moment. There are striking parallels between these days and the 1930s. There’s a lot of racist people around who are crawling out of the woodwork as they have been encouraged by the implications of the Brexit vote.


“Slightly,” said Ingram, “it seems she suffocated him whilst holding his head against her, so he couldn’t move.”

“What a way to pop your clogs,” replied Tompkins, thinking Miss Scarlett had lost none of her artfulness, “when did this happen, do you reckon?”

“This morning at around half-past midnight,” replied Ingram, “the police in Sussex arrived at the house just as the cleaner was raising the alarm. They wanted to talk to Mr. Stark on another matter relating to his au pair, who we both saw rather a lot of last night.”


“The woman at the house by the coast last night, the woman with her legs wide apart, turned out to be Stark’s au pair. It appears your friend Stalky had been having sex with her, but we don’t believe the au pair killed Stalky as the timing isn’t correct.”

“No, it doesn’t seem so, Constable Ingram, so could Stalky have killed the au pair, do you reckon?”

“Good question, Tomcat,” said Spiffy Wiffy.

Ingram smiled before answering – “We don’t believe so, because the local police were called to Stark’s house last night. Someone had told them they’d seen Stark’s au pair dangling from a tree, but he denied all knowledge of this and said he’d not seen her all day. They had a look around the house but saw no sign of her although her bed was in a mess.”

“Oh Stalky, what were you doing?” wondered Tompkins out loud. He then had a thought regarding something he should be seen to be asking – “where were his family whilst all this was going on?”

“They were up in London seeing their family and don’t know of his demise.”

“I see, well, this rather overshadows what I came to see you about, Spiffy Wiffy. I believe a Russian agitator, codename Stalin 2.0, will arrive in this country in 2 days’ time, to visit his sympathisers in Manchester, Leicester, and Boston. I think you should send PC Ingram here to Harwich, where this person will arrive, my sources tell me, and then follow him or her to see who their friends are. The added incentive will be that The Big Whopper Gang or whatever their name is will follow this person too as it would be a huge coup for them if they could deport this individual.”

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

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