Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 51

“Are you going to lock him in his own car boot, Tomcat?” asked Daisy.

        “Yes, I will, but being a decent sort, Daisy, when we’ve finished our recce, I’ll unlock the boot and he’ll get fresh air.”

        “That’s sporting of you, Tomcat,” replied Daisy.

        “How did you distract him?”

        “Well, I told him I lived in the house with the light on and that I was feeling a little lonely as my husband was away. He almost pole-vaulted out of the car. Yet another example of a man thinking with his penis.”

        “He won’t be thinking much with anything at the moment,” replied Tompkins, “and when he wakes up he will realise we’ve tricked him, and he will be too embarrassed to admit anything to anyone.”

        “It shows though, Tomcat, that we aren’t up against hardened professionals – a dedicated spy would have ignored me rather than hoping to have cheap sex with a lonely housewife in a small English village.”

        “Bish and bosh, that’s a sound point and no mistake – so who are they, Daisy? They certainly don’t speak our language and share our ideals and morals.”

        “Well, I think they’re a group of East Europeans who have somehow cottoned on to us and are trying to get their message across to us.”

        “You mean to say, these East Europeans have worked out what we’re doing – on their own? How dare they? How dare they do to us what we’re doing to them when all we are doing is trying to defend our country from them. If they were deporting English people from Bulgaria, then perhaps I could understand it although I am not sure why those English people would be there in the first place?”

        “Other people can be intelligent too,” said Daisy, “we have to be smart in how we do this, Tomcat.”

        Tompkins sniffed – “Yes, but it feels that we have traitors in our midst, Daisy, and they’re the reason we are temporarily outmanouevered. Anyway, with Vassily asleep in the boot of his own car, we should be fine to motor along the road over there behind the gate, at least until we find a good hiding place.”

        “You go along, and I will close the gate behind us, so it doesn’t look too obvious, should anyone be trying to follow us.”

        “Bish and bosh, what a stonking idea,” replied Tompkins, vaulting into his car, “come on Daisy let’s see what we can find on the other side of the gate.”

        Tompkins pulled up to the gate, got out of the car, and pushed the gate open using one arm. There were a lot of weeds blocking the way, but they stood no chance against the bull-like strength of Tomcat Tompkins. He pushed his car through gently, to keep the damage to the accumulated weeds to a minimum. Daisy and he then restored the weeds to their former glory. Tompkins jumped back over the gate to admire their handiwork from the road running through the village.

        “That’s a spiffing job, Daisy,” said Tompkins, “I wouldn’t be able to tell that any car, let alone a Jaguar, had passed through this gate.”

        “That’s good, I hope we’re not in a hurry when we come back.”

        “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I am hoping for the element of surprise, y’know, Daisy.”

        “Let’s see what transpires, Tomcat.”

        “Right, let’s go,” replied Tompkins, jumping back over the gate. He opened the car door for Daisy and accelerated away, keeping the speed low as he wasn’t too familiar with the road. They travelled along a single-lane track with a hedgerow on one side and open fields on the other, the black shapes of cows being picked out occasionally in the moonlight.

Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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