Excerpt from the book Sports the Olympics Forgot This book describes 40 sports that ought to be played but aren’t, because I made them up.

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Edgar Parent was the first to arrive at the correct lake and acknowledged the presence of the Fish Judge before unloading his saw and rod. He kneeled on the ice and began to saw; now Edgar wasn’t the brightest of individuals and hadn’t finished grade school because of his lack of common sense – as he kneeled on the ice he inserted the saw into the ice with great difficulty and then sawed an almost perfect circle around himself.

Parent spent a minute under the water before the Fish Judge pulled him out – Parent was half-frozen and the medical team had to wrap him in warm blankets and thaw him out in front of the fire at the lake’s log cabin. He took no further part in the race although he did return in future contests.

Schnabel arrived next still using the head down style and skied into Parent’s hole losing one ski and some teeth as his mouth kissed the ice with a passion. The overworked medical team inserted some stitches into Schnabel’s face while he contemplated skiing back on one ski.