40 Humourous Traditions

The UK has many strange, yet real, traditions such as
  • Bog Snorkelling, 
  • Bonfire Night, 
  • Cheese Rolling
  • Haxey Hood.
For less than $1 you can read This book  which describes 40 made-up traditions in a similar vein to the real ones. All the stories are distinct and can be read independently; this is a book for the busy individual who has a spare five or ten minutes to discover the secrets of Biscuit Rolling.
Amateur Psychologists can gain a better understanding of the British and their way of life by reading about Turtle Rinsing in London, Arrow Catching in Staffordshire, and Animal Gambling in the Forest of Dean. 
If you like any of the following authors, this book could be for you: 
Terry Pratchett
David Sedaris
Kate Forrester
Ken Follett
Janet Evanovich
Kevin Wilson
Neil Gaiman
Bio: I am a writer. I love writing creatively especially about subjects such as British traditions, where my made-up traditions are no less ridiculous than the real thing. A list of my books, both fictional and factual (about travel), can be found here.

It’s Me – Chapter 27

I stood up and started to look at the books on the top shelf. There was a choice between Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, and three books on Zen Buddhism. The three Buddhist books weren’t there the previous today when I’d fallen asleep on top of Charles and Jane. This showed me that a greater power was at work and that my life as a Buddhist cat was the right path for me to take – the books were coming to me! Having said that, I thought that I should read one of Charles’s books and then one of Jane’s followed by a book on Zen Buddhism. Reading a Buddhist book would allow me to confirm that I was living my life the correct way with respect to my fellow animals, my food, and the environment.

I leapt on to the top of the bookshelf and looked down on Charles’s books. Which one should I choose? I extended a paw to test which of the books would come out the easiest. At this moment, the kitchen door opened and Julian and Marika stood staring at me. Julian was holding Gemma who was wearing a mask over her mouth.

I thought quickly, stood on my back paws, and started swatting the air, a bit like King Kong in the famous film of the 1930s.

“Oh look,” said Julian, “Freddie is trying to swat a fly, make sure you catch it Freddie.”

“Freddie,” said Marika, “look at Gemma, she will be spending one more night on her own and then she will be allowed out. She will be wearing a mask for a week until she learns to behave properly.”

I stopped swatting the air and looked at Gemma who appeared like a feline version of Hannibal Lecter – my knowledge of classic films is quite good for a cat – and I felt sorry for her, even though she was giving me a Sneer Level 6++.

I miaowed and the three of them disappeared into the kitchen. I continued the search for a book and concluded that Hard Times would be the best choice. It would land on the floor and I could then start reading, although another problem had now presented itself. How to replace the book on the bookshelf? Could I carry it in my mouth and drop it on the bookshelf after reading some of it? I would try. Another option would be to paw it under the chair and then start reading the next today.

I was falling asleep and so made myself comfortable on the back of the couch. I would avoid the library for a few days and might even visit Holly the Hamster in the morning before reading in the afternoon. I would see how the mood took me. With that I put my chin on my front paws and was soon in dreamland.

It’s Me – Chapter 26

Marika poured out the kibbles and scooped out plenty of food from the tin. She is generous with her portions whereas Julian is stingy. I prefer her feeding me. She has nice hands too and they caressed me as I prepared to eat, remembering my new technique of respect for each individual kibble. I watched her go upstairs and then had a quick poo before commencing the food ceremony. I bowed to the bowl and started to pick up each kibble and to swallow it whole. I was a lot hungrier than I’d realised after the excitement of the library, but the discipline of my religion shone through and I completed my eating with some kibbles still left for later, whenever that may be. I licked my chops and decided to saunter upstairs to the lounge where I would decide which book to read on the next today. 

  In the Lounge area, the bookshelves were placed strategically for the humans and not for felines. I would much prefer to sit on the back of a comfortable couch or chair and survey the books than sit on a hard, wooden floor facing the bookshelf as that would be described as ‘unusual behaviour’ by humans. It would be easier to sit on the back of the couch – a perfectly acceptable pastime for cats – and sneak glances at the books. In the end, I decided to sit on the arm of the chair and face the wall, so that I could look at the books in some comfort. I found the wooden floor caused cramps in my legs and didn’t aid my digestion, plus my tail stuck out at an angle and might have been stepped upon by a clumsy human foot.  Facing the books meant having my back to both the door into the outside world and the door into the kitchen. This was acceptable as Gemma was still imprisoned and I could see reflections of both doors in the windows giving me some forewarning should something hostile be heading my way such as a human wielding a jackfruit.

As I began to survey the books the door into the outside world opened and Julian came in. He had taken his shoes off in the porch and so he was wearing just socks making his movements difficult to judge, a sneaky move to put me off my guard. I managed to extend my claws into the chair fabric just before he tried to lift me up. Luckily, he noticed my attachment and contented himself with stroking me. I purred enthusiastically so that he would go away and leave me to my important deliberations regarding reading material for the future. My purring worked and he headed off into the kitchen closing the door behind him.

Looking at the shelves, I had a decision to make. Which books could I reach from the floor, which from the arm of the chair, and which would I have to pull out from above? The last option was my least favourite as it would involve some leaping on my part and some pushing of the book on to the floor below, where it would make a noise and upset Gemma, not that she ever wasn’t upset with me. However, there were some obstacles in the way of the books on the lower two shelves, namely some porcelain figures of cats, some small Oriental bowls, and some small bottles of Scottish whisky which really belonged in a drinks cabinet. I would have to paw these to one side in order to obtain my chosen reading material. There were no ornaments on the top shelf and so it seemed like a good idea to start reading books on this shelf first, even though it would involve leaping and noise. The next choice would be the lowest shelf of all, where I could practice pawing items to one side. This would involve delicate movements of one of my front paws, probably the left-hand paw, and gently shunt the ornament to one side. Practising on the shelf closest to the ground would be what’s called a damage limitation exercise should I make a mistake and paw too much, resulting in the ornament leaving the bookshelf and landing on the floor where hopefully it would roll around and not break.

It’s Me – Chapter 25

I turned around 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.

I turned back.

“Still Angela,” I said, “you’re trying to trick me.”

Angela cawed with delight, “well done Freddie.”

I played the game five more times and identified each crow successfully without any more corvine trickery.

“That was fun, young Freddie, we should be heading off soon for a bit of exercise flying around the park before settling down for the night. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You will, Sid” I said, “and thank you so much for your help, all of you, you are contributing greatly to my education.”

=========

When I slithered back into the kitchen, I had a surprise.

“Hello Freddie cat, where’ve you been? I saw you with those crows,” said Marika, “you seemed to be getting on well with them.”

My heart skipped a beat, as I had no idea my re-entrance to the property was being monitored by the humans.

I miaowed and I blushed, but as my face is furry, it wasn’t visible to Marika.

“I’ll give you some food, now, Freddie, and then you should go upstairs before we let Gemma loose. She needs to eat and use the litter tray but don’t worry, she will be back on her own for another night. She has to learn her lesson and be more tolerant of other animals.”

I agreed with her completely. Tolerance was not Gemma’s strong suit. In fact, in her paw, she had no tolerance cards, no nice cards, and no happiness cards, it was all nastiness cards. Nastiness was her strong suit.

“Speaking of litter trays, there’s a smell in here,” said Marika, “and I wonder where it’s coming from?” She walked around the kitchen and stopped by the cupboard with my first litter tray on top of it. She wrinkled her nose and her hazel eyes eyed me curiously. I blushed again because I think she suspected me of doing something. She was right, but it wasn’t really my fault. I didn’t know and I improvised. I decided to look cute and hope she decided to feed me. She looked at me again and then walked to the fridge. I positioned myself for the best possible view of the inside. As she opened the door, I craned my neck and saw there were no large fruit inside. That was a relief, no thuggery for at least two more days.

I followed Marika down the stairs with my tail pointing at the ceiling. I have often wondered why my tail follows me around all the time, I don’t do anything so fascinating that warrants its interest, its devotion, but at least it’s there when I need it. Although, the only use it has is to cover my front paws, which is a waste because I like to show my neatness via my front paws and their position. I have now trained my tail to hover above my front paws when I sit down, like a shelf or mantelpiece, emphasizing the paws and drawing attention to their existence and their neatness.

It’s Me – Chapter 24

“How are you, young Freddie?” asked Sid, “they almost got you there.”

“Yes, they did, but thanks to you and Seb they didn’t,” I replied.

“Congratulations on your escape,” said Seb flapping down gently close by, “I managed a direct hit on one of the librarians for you as they were heading your way. One of the other humans said that you were an apparition, a material emanation of a spiritual being, so I hope you’re proud of that.”

“It sounds quite a compliment,” I replied, “but I think I should avoid the library for at least two todays after today, to allow the humans to calm down. I will miss photocopying my rear end and it feels so liberating to do, but I have to be disciplined in these matters. In fact, on my next visit I will just photocopy my rear end and then leave again. That will give them something to think about.”

“Perhaps you could photocopy another part of your anatomy to play with their minds a little more, to make them believe there’s more than one material emanation,” suggested Seb.

“What a wonderful idea,” I said, “thank you, Seb, I will do that, I will stand on the photocopier so they’ll see just four paws one today and then the next today I will copy just my tail. That will confuse them no end and they might decide there’s a whole family of material emanations living in their library. Living’s not the right word, haunting sounds better.”

“I like the word ‘haunting’,” said Sid, “it sounds shadowy and ethereal and otherworldly. Oh, here’s the rest of the family come to say hello. There’s Angela…”

“Hello Angela, let me try and stare at your feathers so I can recognise you when I see you next…” I stared at Angela’s feathers and found them a combination of black and dark grey.

“And Henrietta…”

I stared at Henrietta’s feathers….black and dark blue

“And Wendy…”

I stared at Wendy’s feathers….dark grey and blue.

“And Stan you know.”

“Hello Stan.”

“We should indulge in an identity parade for you, young Freddie,” said Sid, “you turn your back and one crow will be standing there when you turn around again, you have to identify which one.”

“Yes, lovely idea.” I turned around and counted to ten. I turned around and stared.

“Angela.”

“Correct,” said Sid.

The Mary Celeste Society

The book entitled 40 Strange Groups is currently on sale at a discount in time for Christmas. If you thought 2020 was odd then read this book to see what the world could be like if certain groups did exist.

For example:

Do YOU have trouble putting IKEA furniture together? Yes? Here’s a Buddhist group who can help

40 odd groups that are surrounded in mystery. Little is known about them, hence the shortness of the book and the low price.

Buddhists for Peaceful Ikea Furniture Assembly (BPIFA)

Buddhists belonging to this group can be phoned by purchasers of Ikea flat-pack furniture and asked to come along to the purchaser’s home to provide a peaceful environment when the furniture is being put together. BPIFA have discovered a more harmonious environment promotes more peaceful furniture assemblage and encourage IKEA customers to use their services.

The BPIFA even bring along spare Allen keys just in case there aren’t enough provided. One satisfied customer, George T Trent of Oklahoma said, “Without those Buddhists, why that furniture might still be unmade to this day – those Oms really calmed me down, especially when I felt like shooting the instructions with ma shotgun. Those Buddhists really made things easy. They were non-threatening in every way, but I am not sure I could wear orange all day.”

Islay Whisky Cyclists

The book entitled 40 Strange Groups is currently on sale at a discount in time for Christmas. If you thought 2020 was odd then read this book to see what the world could be like if certain groups did exist.

For example:

The Islay Whisky Cyclists.

There are 8 whisky distilleries on the isle of Islay. Ardbeg, Bowmore, Bruichladdich, Bunnahabhain, Caol Ila, Kilchoman, Lagavulin, and Laphroaig. The IWC holds an annual cycle race between all 8 distilleries. The public roads are shut for the day and the cyclists are only allowed to eat food once they have crossed the finishing line, though few people manage this feat and most of them don’t remember doing so.

The race begins at 8am in the capital of Islay, Bowmore. The cyclists are only allowed to drink a maximum of one pint of water during the race. Each of the distilleries is visited in alphabetical order in even-numbered years and in reverse-alphabetical order in odd-numbered years. At each stop, the cyclist must drink an eighth of a pint of whisky from that distillery before getting on their bike and wobbling off towards the next distillery, which is signposted. Cyclists can stop and wheel their bikes or even fall asleep at the side of the road for an hour, if they wish. Cyclists must finish with the bike they started with.

The Mary Celeste Society

The book entitled 40 Strange Groups is currently on sale at a discount in time for Christmas. If you thought 2020 was odd then read this book to see what the world could be like if certain groups did exist.

For example:

Do YOU have trouble putting IKEA furniture together? Yes? Here’s a Buddhist group who can help

40 odd groups that are surrounded in mystery. Little is known about them, hence the shortness of the book and the low price.

Buddhists for Peaceful Ikea Furniture Assembly (BPIFA)

Buddhists belonging to this group can be phoned by purchasers of Ikea flat-pack furniture and asked to come along to the purchaser’s home to provide a peaceful environment when the furniture is being put together. BPIFA have discovered a more harmonious environment promotes more peaceful furniture assemblage and encourage IKEA customers to use their services.

The BPIFA even bring along spare Allen keys just in case there aren’t enough provided. One satisfied customer, George T Trent of Oklahoma said, “Without those Buddhists, why that furniture might still be unmade to this day – those Oms really calmed me down, especially when I felt like shooting the instructions with ma shotgun. Those Buddhists really made things easy. They were non-threatening in every way, but I am not sure I could wear orange all day.”

Islay Whisky Cyclists

The book entitled 40 Strange Groups is currently on sale at a discount in time for Christmas. If you thought 2020 was odd then read this book to see what the world could be like if certain groups did exist.

For example:

The Islay Whisky Cyclists.

There are 8 whisky distilleries on the isle of Islay. Ardbeg, Bowmore, Bruichladdich, Bunnahabhain, Caol Ila, Kilchoman, Lagavulin, and Laphroaig. The IWC holds an annual cycle race between all 8 distilleries. The public roads are shut for the day and the cyclists are only allowed to eat food once they have crossed the finishing line, though few people manage this feat and most of them don’t remember doing so.

The race begins at 8am in the capital of Islay, Bowmore. The cyclists are only allowed to drink a maximum of one pint of water during the race. Each of the distilleries is visited in alphabetical order in even-numbered years and in reverse-alphabetical order in odd-numbered years. At each stop, the cyclist must drink an eighth of a pint of whisky from that distillery before getting on their bike and wobbling off towards the next distillery, which is signposted. Cyclists can stop and wheel their bikes or even fall asleep at the side of the road for an hour, if they wish. Cyclists must finish with the bike they started with.

It’s Me – Chapter 23

I scampered down the back stairs, holding my breath due to the smell, and arrived in the children’s section. No offence children, but I’m not interested in your books at the moment. The ground floor was the fiction floor and not really of much interest to me. But I looked anyway, as best I could as there were many people around. The problem was going to be exiting the establishment as there was a queue of people checking out their books.

Eventually, I found a gap on the shelves surrounded by other books. It was the perfect hiding place and allowed me to lurk until the coast was clear. I was 10 yards from the escape doors. I saw the censors as Stan had said and there was even a place where I could jump from on to the pressure pads.

Then events started to go sideways. My perfect hiding place became no longer perfect. A lady took out one of the books making me visible to all and sundry. She looked at me and said: “Hello Kitty, you must be the library cat.” and then walked off to stand in one of the queues at the front desk. I watched her closely as I had a feeling she was the type of person who would mention meeting a cat in the library. I readied myself for a rapid exit. When the woman started talking to the librarian I watched very closely. Of course, the library cat was mentioned and the librarian looked horrified. The woman pointed in my direction and I had to leave. Timing was paramount. As soon as the librarian came to my shelf, I had to leave. Pronto. The moment arrived.

“Where did you say you saw the cat?”

“Just here in the romantic fiction by Barbara Cartland.”

The librarian started pulling books out and I was exposed. I left in a hurry. I jumped on to the censors and then down onto the floor. The doors stayed closed. I did it again with the same result. Behind me someone said:

“Oh look, a cat seems to be trying to open the door by jumping on the pressure pads. How extraordinary.”

I jumped up and down on the ground and started to yowl -mmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaooowwwwwwwwwwww. Then I noticed that jumping on one particular floor tile caused the doors to shudder slightly as though they were thinking about opening. I decided to make their mind up for them. I catapulted onto the censors and then high into the air, before landing with all four paws and a few yowls on the floor tile. The doors opened and I left pursued by the librarians. However, they didn’t get far because Seb and Sid came to my rescue, chattering, squawking, and dive bombing the humans. I sprinted round the side of the library and hid in the undergrowth. It would have been a mistake to lead my pursuers to my new home. The crows were still kicking up a fuss and so no humans came to find me. After 5 minutes, I walked nonchalantly from my hiding place back to my garden. I waited for the crows to find me.