Julian Worker Fiction Writing

Excerpts from my murder/mystery stories and examples of my creative writing.

40 Strange Groups

Do YOU have trouble putting IKEA furniture together? Yes? Here’s a Buddhist group who can help – Buddhists for Peaceful Ikea Furniture Assembly (BPIFA)

Buddhists belonging to this group can be phoned by purchasers of Ikea flat-pack furniture and asked to come along to the purchaser’s home to provide a peaceful environment when the furniture is being put together. BPIFA have discovered a more harmonious environment promotes more peaceful furniture assemblage and encourage IKEA customers to use their services.

The BPIFA even bring along spare Allen keys just in case there aren’t enough provided. One satisfied customer, George T Trent of Oklahoma said, “Without those Buddhists, why that furniture might still be unmade to this day – those Oms really calmed me down, especially when I felt like shooting the instructions with ma shotgun. Those Buddhists really made things easy. They were non-threatening in every way, but I am not sure I could wear orange all day.”

The Islay Whisky Cyclists.

There are 8 whisky distilleries on the isle of Islay. Ardbeg, Bowmore, Bruichladdich, Bunnahabhain, Caol Ila, Kilchoman, Lagavulin, and Laphroaig. The IWC holds an annual cycle race between all 8 distilleries. The public roads are shut for the day and the cyclists are only allowed to eat food once they have crossed the finishing line, though few people manage this feat and most of them don’t remember doing so.

The race begins at 8am in the capital of Islay, Bowmore. The cyclists are only allowed to drink a maximum of one pint of water during the race. Each of the distilleries is visited in alphabetical order in even-numbered years and in reverse-alphabetical order in odd-numbered years. At each stop, the cyclist must drink an eighth of a pint of whisky from that distillery before getting on their bike and wobbling off towards the next distillery, which is signposted. Cyclists can stop and wheel their bikes or even fall asleep at the side of the road for an hour, if they wish. Cyclists must finish with the bike they started with.

Both these groups are featured in this book.

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