It’s Me – Chapter 1

Hello, my name is Freddie. I am a cat. I live in a house with another cat called Gemma and two humans called Julian and Marika. I am about 3 years old though I can’t remember how old I am exactly because I was taken away from my mum when I was very young and my dad had left home.

My mum used to whisper to me very gently how many days old I was when I woke up each morning. This was just after she told me that she loved me and that I must be brave at all times and always try my best.

I loved my mum and I miss her every day.

I can’t really remember which day is which and so this isn’t really a diary, because diaries have days – I read this in a book – and my diary entries would all be entered as today. I believe Buddhists believe we should all live in the moment – I read that in a book too, I read a lot – and so I must be a Buddhist cat, but I am not sure how I prove that to anyone. Perhaps if I leave all my chapter headings as ‘Today’ then this book will be found after I pass on and someone else will determine that the book was written by a Buddhist cat? Otherwise, I am not sure what to do? Do I have to obtain a certificate or pass an exam? I’m not sure. I can’t find any books which tell me this information.

I am really lucky there’s a library next door that allows cats to use the facilities though I’m not sure whether the library realises this quite yet. I can even use their photocopier to produce pictures of my rear end, which I think confuses them no little amount, and then they call in the repairman because they think there’s a fault with the copier, rather than a cat with a sense of mischief lurking behind the paper shredder enjoying their confusion.

To gain entry, rather than use the sliding doors at the front which I can only operate with a great deal of effort, there’s always an open window on the top floor and I can squeeze in there during the day when it’s open. I have to leave by 5pm before the slim lady librarian with the severe eyebrows, blue hair, and clothes covered in dog hairs closes it for the night.

She eats her lunch so meticulously that she never leaves me any scraps nor even a crumb. How mean is that? Doesn’t she know I am always hungry, not greedy, just hungry? And there are no mice in the library either, what kind of service are they operating for we felines?

Anyway, I will stop moaning – as Gemma calls it, she’s mean but more of that many times later – I can sense you’re wondering how did this Buddhist cat get into this state? How did I get to the pinnacle I operate at today? Well, you’ve come to the right place for an explanation, clever reader, how did you know?

Actually, to be fair, there’s not that much to it….

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

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