Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 4

This novel is something a little different for me. It is a satire set in the
UK at the present moment. There are striking parallels between these days and
the 1930s. There’s a lot of racist people around who are crawling out of the
woodwork as they have been encouraged by the implications of the Brexit vote.


“What a rotten shame,” said Dry Bob Bentonshaw, “I remember Wefty he was a promising origami artist and would have played for the Varsity at conkers…”

“…if he hadn’t been conked on the head himself” said Binky Bengston-Smith, guffawing at his own joke,” anyway what’s this about the fuzz, Tomcat, with you in the door no human being will ever get past you, so what do we have to worry about?”

“I don’t want to get caught just yet,” replied Tompkins, “this is a good wheeze and our country will thank us for sending all those people back, who aren’t earning their keep.”

“Speaking of the unemployed,” said Spinky Mills, “do you know whether one can hire people to help with one’s William Tell impressions – don’t want to shoot Mater and Pater or the sis, so can I hire a few foreigners to help reduce the familial death rate, due to my short-sightedness and all that?”

“I thought you were aiming at the apple on their head,” said Detective Inspector Clive Ingram. He peered into the room from underneath Tompkins’s left armpit. Everyone feigned surprise at his arrival.

“Where’s Spiffy Wiffy?” asked Tompkins looking down his nose at Ingram.

“He’s sitting in the vehicle – he doesn’t do the raids – he drives the getaway car.”

“Shame,” replied Tompkins, “so did you find any trouble makers, Inspector Ingram, any bolshie whipper-snappers in the place or is it only we Archers you’ve found?”

“You look like the descriptions of the gang provided to me,” replied Ingram, rubbing his hands together.

“What utter tosh,” replied Spinky Mills, “all we’re interested in is flying arrows through the air to hit our intended targets, be it a member of our family or a cow’s backside.”

“So, you’re not intending to deport any unemployed immigrants, who have lawfully come to this country, by placing them on minibuses and sending them via the Channel Tunnel to France?”


Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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