Tomcat Tompkins – 52

This novel is something a little different for me. It is a satire set in the UK at the present moment. There are striking parallels between these days and the 1930s. There’s a lot of racist people around who are crawling out of the woodwork as they have been encouraged by the implications of the Brexit vote.


“Well, Tomcat, he was rampant. I said I’d come for the recently advertised job as an au pair. He suggested that he would try me for size or words to that effect. We were having sex and I was asking him questions, which he didn’t answer at first, but when he flagged, and I started to drive things, he told me about the gang, the HQ, and what our plans were for the next month.”

Miss Scarlett stopped to check her phone before continuing.

“By that time, I’d heard enough. I’d decided to muffle him for the common good of our pack of patriots. He almost bit me on the inner thigh, but I stopped him and soon he was limp between my legs. I left him where he was, Tomcat, and covered my trail, even changing all four tyres on the auto to confuse the boys in blue.”

“That’s my girl, Miss S, I am so proud of you and the work you do on behalf of the country.”

“Think nothing of it,” replied Miss S, smiling, “any gal would do the same for the good of England.”

“Well, woof to that,” replied Tompkins, “and woof again. You saying that makes me feel so damned patriotic and no mistake.”

“What I found out raises a few questions though, Tomcat,” continued Miss S, “given that Stalky spilled the beans so, who knows what he told his previous au pair? It’s possible the opposition know about you and our HQ as well as our Ops for the next month. What should we do?”

“Well, thanks for the concern, but I have seen no evidence to suggest that our operations are compromised at all. His previous au pair was from Albania, so perhaps she didn’t understand English too well.”

“Well, I would be careful, Tomcat, change things around, go through Folkestone for two weeks. Old Rumpy Short is in charge down there now, so I am sure he could ignore a minibus of East Europeans every so often?”

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: