Tomcat Tompkins – 34

This novel is something a little different for me. It is a satire set in the UK at the present moment. There are striking parallels between these days and the 1930s. There’s a lot of racist people around who are crawling out of the woodwork as they have been encouraged by the implications of the Brexit vote.


“That’s a belting idea,” said Toppy, “but how do we get the information to the man, without him realising he’s doing our dirty work?”

“Well, bish and bosh,” replied Tompkins, “let me deal with that aspect of the blueprint – I’ll tell his boss some cock-and-bull story and he’ll put Ingram on the trail.”

“That’s a great idea as usual from my Tomcat friend, the single man Power Station,” said Dapper Dan, blowing a smoke ring.

“Just comes naturally,” said Tompkins shrugging his shoulders in a modest way, “anyway I should be on my way, I must be back in town by 10pm – I have to see Dr. Black at The Glitz Bar about the people Stalin 2.0 will visit on his trip over here. Once I know, I can tell Spiffy Wiffy where Ingram will need to go.”

“Will you be sending us a pigeon, Tomcat, about our next meeting?” asked Terry.

“Absolutely, pigeons by tea time tomorrow,” replied Tompkins.

“There is one thing, Tomcat,” said Toppy Rogers-Hewitt, “you mentioned Stalky earlier in relation to the dead au pair. Do you think he might have compromised our situation, our group in any way?”

“Great point, Toppy, we should find out, shouldn’t we?” said Tompkins. “In our ranks as some of you know, is a certain Miss Scarlett, who is adept at several things. I’ve asked her to apply for the vacant au pair position at Stalky’s place. She will approach Stalky and find out what he gives away during sex. If he says anything at all out of line, she will suffocate him in a fit of passion.”

“A fit of passion?” said Dapper Dan, “that sounds an interesting way to go.”

“Yes, she is adept at that,” said Terry, “it lends a new meaning to the words ‘muffled sound’”.

“Woof,” said Toppy.

Tompkins’s stentorian laugh rang around the landscape. With that, he bounded out of the house with a cheery wave and ran to his car. He gave it a careful examination for tracking devices before reversing along the road at 100mph. He performed the same careful manouevre past the mud and proceeded to London in a forwards direction, avoiding all the telegraph poles along the road.

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

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