Tomcat Tompkins – 27

This novel is something a little different for me. It is a satire set in the UK at the present moment. There are striking parallels between these days and the 1930s. There’s a lot of racist people around who are crawling out of the woodwork as they have been encouraged by the implications of the Brexit vote.


“Tomcat, my favourite nephew, how the hell are you – why fash and dash it’s been too long.”

“I believe you’ve been having a swim, uncle?”

“Merely a splash in The Channel, Tomcat, barely got wet.”

“Around two miles?”

“That sort of thing, wasn’t counting, anyway, Tomcat, enough of talking shop. Let’s get down to basics. How’s the deportation business?”

“We’re busy with our one-way mystery tours for East European tourists only, though I’m having doubts about their effectiveness. However, our immediate aim is to follow our main opponent when he arrives in the country in three days…”

“You mean Stalin 2.0 is coming here?” asked Dapper Dan.

“Is that the official codename for him?” asked Toppy.

“It is now,” replied the GOM, smiling at the inventiveness of his young companions, “do you know that for certain, Tomcat?”

“Yes, I do, I received a pigeon about it last night, and the ship he will use, and his intended port of disembarkation.”

“Is the blighter coming undercover?” asked Terry.

Tompkins nodded his head vigourously – “I believe he is, y’know, so we shall have to be waiting for him, but I also believe he’s coming to see his people, his biggest fans over here. I think we should keep Stalin 2.0 under observation.”

“I agree,” said the GOM, “so that’s Stalin 2.0 sorted out. Now, there’s something else to consider – I have good information that there’s a right-wing extremist called Big Nose, who is starting to exert influence and could be our main antagonist rather than Stalin 2.0. Can we obtain any information on Big Nose – how about the head of MI5?”

“We can,” said Toppy, “we know his secretary’s on our side as he went to school with Dapper Dan and Dapper has evidence of the secretary’s predilection for the Queen’s finest corgis, so we can find out from him whether MI5 has any information on this Big Nose you speak of.”

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

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