Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 16

This novel is something a little different for me. It is a satire set in the
UK at the present moment. There are striking parallels between these days and
the 1930s. There’s a lot of racist people around who are crawling out of the
woodwork as they have been encouraged by the implications of the Brexit vote.

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“Splendidly,” replied Tompkins, “we are winning, and the enemies of our country are being put to flight.”

“Flights sound expensive unless they’re going with Easy Air or whatever their name is.”

Tompkins gave out a stentorian laugh that caused the pigeons to vacate the roof of the house in panic.

“Boffo sense of humour, as usual, Noddy, no they’re not flying they’re being chauffeured by me good spouse, as we speak,” continued Tompkins, tapping the side of his nose conspiratorially, “she’s taking them on a mystery tour back to their own country.”

“How do we make sure they don’t come back?”

“We have a cunning ruse, we take away their passports and any visas they may have, so they can’t return to Old Blighty without a mighty effort on their part.”

“Tomcat,” said the Reverend Green, “how the blazes are you?”

“I am fair to middling,” replied Tompkins, “had a prang yesterday in the motor, but obtained another in the nick of time, so I could meet you all here today. How’s the wife and kids, Rev?”

“Try not to talk about them too much,” replied Rev Green, “especially north of the Trent, where it could become contentious, but they’re fine as they are.”

“Do you keep them under lock and key?”

“Oh no, nothing so barbaric, they live in the holiday home in the Dordogne when they’re not in Monte Carlo playing the tables or in Acapulco staying with the mother-in-law.”

“Splendid idea, a moving target’s harder to hit.”

“Tomcat, how the devil are you?” asked Teddy Smethurst-Pugh.

“Teddy, I am fine, you know, Teddy, I will send you a pigeon – we will need your expertise soon to sort out a problem we have with a visiting dignitary from The Dark Side, who will arrive at a port soon.”

“Needs to be processed, does he?” replied Teddy.