Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 127

“I can see I am stretching your geographical expertise to its limits. I work for the UK government, to be exact MI5, and we have been watching your merry little export business hobby for a while, but of greater importance were your friends here,” he gestured to the bodies on the ground, “who were keen to use you and your hobby to foment trouble with immigrants mainly from countries within the EU, so they could start a movement to oust the UK from its comfortable existence and make it a country where immigrants fear coming. The idea was then that these leaders of the far right, the anti-immigrant, pro-fascist, anti-Muslim, pro-American conservative movement, would take over the reins of government and bring about a huge change in the way this country exists. We have thwarted their fiendish plot, but you must understand that your organisation would have been the ones blamed for the whole thing. You have got off lightly, but I must insist that you do no more deporting of East Europeans and that you leave them be. We will not prosecute you for what you’ve done. How does that sound?”

“What about the murders, who will you prosecute for those?” asked Tompkins.

“Mrs. Stark killed her husband, though she didn’t muffle him, she just gave out that impression and people believed it. Spinky and Dapper Dan were throttled by your friend Mr. Steeple. Mrs. Stark was Big Nose, by the way, I am surprised you didn’t notice that, but not everyone notices the same things as other people. Miss Scarlett works for us, sorry about that, but at least she was against the bad guys, as you might say – it’s all relative.”

“Well, that’s almost everything explained,” said Tompkins, “but was there ever a Stalin 2.0, Dr. Black?”

“No, never, another ruse to flush people out, but it seemed to have more of an effect on your opponents than you. I believe you were intending to follow the mythical journey of Stalin 2.0, but your opponents were more concerned that you would stop deporting those East Europeans, so they quashed those rumours when they had a chance.”

“But I had pigeons, confirming the veracity of Stalin 2.0’s plans,” said Tompkins looking dejected.

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

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