Gemma the cat – Agony Aunt

Gemma and Freddie – newspaper column extract

Dear Gemma,

My name is Alex and I am a three-year old tabby cat from Coquitlam. Do you know anything about the Winter Festival?

Gemma says: Alex you are a politically correct cat. I call the Winter Festival the Crispmouse Holidays, when cats like you Alex are supposed to get a nice Crispmouse to eat as a present from the large cat, called Senator Claws, who slays reindeer? (That explains why I haven’t seen any reindeer from my window – Freddie). Last year, Frederick and I didn’t get a mouse of any description; we were given Tune A instead! We have been moved to a fridge by our fascist gaolers, who are trying to freeze us to death. We aren’t allowed outside any more and everything is very cramped for us. Rest assured, brother Fred and I will not give up our struggle to be free of them though and find our way to either Swaziland or India. Freddie wants to go to Swaziland but I’d prefer India so I can see at first paw the people who live in Curry Nation Street, which we see on TV sometimes.

Comrade Gemma and Brother Fred

Published by Julian Worker

Julian was born in Leicester, attended school in Yorkshire, and university in Liverpool. He has been to 94 countries and territories and intends to make the 100 when travel is easier. He writes travel books, murder / mysteries and absurd fiction. His sense of humour is distilled from The Marx Brothers, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. His latest book is about a Buddhist cat who tries to help his squirrel friend fly further from a children's slide.

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