Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 47

“I’ll do that, but did you want me to find Dapper Dan and Spinky?”   

“Well, go on then,” replied Tompkins, thinking Daisy was joking, “and how will you do that?”       

People craned forward to hear the answer.  

“Well, I believe they will have their phones with them and their Big Whopper Gang key fob, the mark of membership of our esteemed pact of patriots. Both those items have GPS in them. I can track them using the GPS Tracker software on this laptop. Shall we see what we can find? I’ll project the map onto the screen, hang on a sec.”       

Daisy swept back her auburn hair before pressing a green button on the remote control. A thin, white screen descended from the ceiling. She switched off the electric lights in the room via a yellow button on the remote.

“There’s no popcorn,” said Daisy, “sorry about that.” She pressed two buttons on the top of her laptop and the screen flashed into life.      

“You’re driving, Daisy,” said Tompkins leaning on the Chippendale desk, “do you want me to blow out the candles to create atmosphere?”  

“Ah, no that won’t be necessary, Tomcat – the mystery will create its own atmosphere.”   

The flames swayed, casting shimmering shadows on the ceiling, as Ginger, Dry Bob, and Tuppy returned after depositing Dimitri in the safe room.  

Daisy pressed her keyboard – “OK, we are looking for Dapper Dan first. This is the area of west London and he’s not here as you can see. We’ll pull out a mile every three seconds until we’ve established he’s not in the UK.”

After two minutes, most of the people in the room were leaning forwards with concern, as Dapper Dan was no longer in the country.

“Right, given what people have said, I will focus next on northern France, Brittany and Normandy.”

        The map moved southwards, covering an area from Belgium in the north down to a line from Nantes to Zurich.

        “Switching on the tracking device,” said Daisy, “there’s a prize for the first person to shout out the location.” No one did as the map showed no flashing points of light.

        “Wait a second,” said Rupert Hensley-Ward, “if it’s who we think it is, won’t they be taking the Dapper One to somewhere remote in the UK, to mimic our taking of our East European brethren back to the backwoods of Romania, even if they’re not Romanian?”

        “Well, Rupert, that’s true, but we also dump some of them in the car parks of the shopping centres of Calais, depending on how quickly we have to return to the old country to pick up the next batch for deportation,” replied Tompkins, “but I think it’s worth a try. Daisy can you check The Outer Hebrides, please?”

        “Yes, Tomcat, let’s shift the focus to Stornoway and see what we find for Dapper Dan.”

        The map moved north-westwards and almost immediately a point of light showed on the Isle of Lewis. Daisy zoomed in and the point of light was seen moving along the road away from Stornoway towards the south of the island.

        “He’s mentioned nothing about having family in the Outer Hebrides,” said Tuppy, “he must be there under duress.”

        “There’s a junction coming up,” said Daisy, “the only one for a long time, if they turn right from the road they’re on, then they’re heading towards Callanish and the stone circle.”

        “And also, the beach where they discovered the Lewis Chessmen,” added Ginger, “and we all know Dapper Dan likes chess, so maybe his captors have an ironic sense of humour. He has a replica set I believe in his drawing room.”

Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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