Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 46

Webster Smythe put up his hand – “I do now, Tomcat, I am almost 100% sure he was hanging around this place earlier today.”

        “Oh, was he now,” replied Tompkins, “you mean loitering with intent and trying to keep out of sight?”

        “Yes, but the opposition doesn’t appreciate we have eyes and ears that cover all the angles and hiding around a corner won’t work any longer. We have ways of finding you.”

        “So, what do you have to say to that Yuri?”

        “It’s Dimitri, but I would say the same thing if I were Yuri, and that is your friend is mistaken. I have not been in this area of London before.”

        “Yes, well, you know you would say that, wouldn’t you?”

        “I would, because it’s true, Mr. Tompkins, this is my first visit to this area.”

        “Yes, but you don’t know where you are because you were blind-folded, so you can’t say with any degree of truth,” said Dry Bob, sounding irate.

        “I was also unconscious, but the only areas I’ve been to are The Zoo and Hyde Park. So, wherever this is, it isn’t a zoo – unless you are all wild animals – and it’s not Hyde Park.”

        Tompkins looked around the room to see whether anything else was registering on anyone’s face. The answer he received was interesting. He walked over to both Dry Bob and Tuppy and asked them to be observant once again when he told the collected people about Dapper Dan and Spinky Mills. Tompkins then walked over to the candles and relit one with the gas lighter.

        “I wish to ask another question – does anyone know what might have happened to Dapper Dan or Spinky Mills? Spinky disappeared from under our very noses about an hour ago at The Glitz Bar and the Dapper one went missing earlier today. His butler said his bed wasn’t used. Spinky was about to phone Dapper’s lady friends to see if any of them knew his whereabouts, when he went missing.”

“Are you sure Dapper Dan hasn’t popped over to Deauville for a few days?” asked Cuthbert Prenderville, “I believe he had a lady friend over there he used to visit.”

        “Was that Angelique?” asked Toppy.

        “No, that wasn’t her name, it was more like Mathilde,” replied Cuthbert.

        “I met Angelique at Deauville-La Touques Racecourse last year,” said Toby Knowles-Jones from the back of the room, “she was a wonderful conversationalist, but I don’t believe The Dapper One was with her for her conversation, if you know what I mean.”

        “Yes, I think I do,” said Tompkins, tapping the side of his nose.

        “Tomcat,” said Daisy from behind her laptop, “I have news regarding our friend, here,” she gestured towards Dimitri who was staring at the bookcases at the sides of the room.

        “Oh, well spill the beans,” said Tompkins.

        “His name is Dimitri, surname Karpov, a known associate of the person we refer to as, “ and she just mouthed the rest of the sentence – “Stalin 2.0.”

        “Right, well that’s sorted you out, Dimitri Karpov, we know who you are. You will stay here until we hear news of our friends, Dapper and Spinky. Tuppy and Dry Bob can you take our friend here, plus his chair, to the place where we keep our house guests? Thank you, perhaps you could give them a hand Ginger? Thank you.”

        “So, what do you want me to do next, Tomcat?” asked Daisy watching Dimitri leave the room protesting his innocence as best he could, surrounded by the patriotic pals, “by the way, I made that bit up about Stalin 2.0, to see how he’d react.”

        “Top stuff, Daisy, let’s see how he behaves. Maybe that fake news might change his attitude.

Now, I want you to email the Russian Embassy and tell them we have one of their citizens under house arrest and he will remain under house arrest until we have our Dapper Dan and Spinky back. You can sign it from The Big Whopper Gang.”  

Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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