Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 26

After five minutes of playing, there was a knock at the door.

“I will get that,” said Tompkins standing up and opening the dining room door. He strode with great confidence to the front door and opened it wide.

“Why if it isn’t me old friend, Constable Ingram, how the hell are you? Long time, no see.”

“It’s Inspector Ingram, Detective Inspector Ingram,” intoned Ingram, “and I am fine, thank you for asking, Mr Tompkins. Are you practising your archery again?”

“Not this time, a different day, a different game, Ingram, you know how it is.”

“I don’t, because I’m not wealthy, like yourself, Mr Tompkins, anyway, enough of games, are you aware of the couple on the pathway to this house?”

“What couple?” asked Tompkins casting an eye behind the Inspector.

“The couple looking as though they are having sex on the pathway, the pathway to this house.”

Tompkins stepped over to the verandah and saw that the couple were still where he’d left them.

“Good Lord, so there is, what a cheek, throw a bucket of water over them Ingram, how dare they?”

“Well, they’re not engaged in intercourse, Mr Tompkins, she’s dead and he’s unconscious.”

“You mean to say he’s shagged her so hard he’s killed her and he’s passed out with the effort of it all.”

“Well, not exactly, because he has never been inside her, though someone has regularly.”

“You’ve had a good look around then?” said Tompkins winking at Ingram.

“All in a day’s work, Mr Tompkins, talking of which can I see who’s in your house?”

“Come in, although it’s not my house, it’s the house of a friend, who is away at the moment.”

Ingram smiled and stepped through the opened door into the Dining Room, which was now thick with pipe and cigar smoke.

Tompkins introduced his pals to the Inspector through the haze. “There’s Terry, and Toppy, and Sandy, and through the fog I can just about make out Dapper Dan.”

“Thank you, Mr Tompkins, there’s more mist in here than there is outside – well gentleman, can you please provide your home addresses, in case we need to get in contact with you regarding the strange scene outside.”

“What strange scene would that be?” said Sandy, sliding his card across the table towards the Inspector. Three other cards soon followed it.

“Seems like outside on the path, there’s an unconscious man lying on top of a dead woman, who has her legs wide apart, but no sex has taken place, because the Inspector had a good poke around and found out the facts,” said Tompkins nodding his head at Ingram.

Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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