Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 25

Tompkins grabbed the man, who was about 6 feet tall, and held him up so the others could shine a torch in the man’s face.

“Does anyone recognise him?” asked Dapper Dan.

They all shook their heads.

“I reckon chummy here was one of the two men looking at the junction earlier, so he has a pal somewhere around,” said Tompkins.

“I was watching the birds,” replied the man with a slight East-European accent.

“Really, what the pigeons and the owls?” said Terry.

“You English people, you are so smarmy,” replied the man.

“I say, that’s rather rude of you,” said Tompkins and slapped the man over the head.


As usual, Tompkins didn’t realise his own strength and the man fell to the floor unconscious.

“I know just the place for you,” said Tompkins and, with one hand, carried the body to the front of the property. Tompkins dropped the man gently between the legs of the dead au pair, before returning to the house.

“That should give old Ingram something to ponder and investigate,” said Tompkins, “anyway let’s play Whist until he arrives with a perplexed visage.”      

The chaps sat around the large dining table and dealt the cards. Sandy went to see where the policeman were and soon reported back.

“They’re on their way over, I heard one of them shout they’d located a body lying on the ground, and he’s referring to the couple outside, so we will soon get a knock at the door.”

“That’s no concern of ours,” said Dapper Dan, “I think we should just carry on until something happens, we aren’t responsible for what our East European visitors get up to and the fact they can’t control their urges and have sex wherever they feel like it.”

“Top attitude,” replied Tompkins, sorting out his cards, “but I doubt Ingram will be taken in by the au pair. She will have rigor mortis soon and I am sure that surly chap will wake up soon.”


“Not after the way you slapped him, Tomcat, he’ll be out for hours,” said Terry smiling at his cards, which weren’t the best hand he’d ever had. He placed his first card on the table and hoped for the best.

Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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