Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 15

“Absolutely,” replied Noddy, “anyway, best of luck with the rest of the trip this afternoon, and I look forward to your pigeon, telling us what you need.”

“Splendid news, anyway, I should be off on me travels,” replied Tompkins. “Cheerio, everyone,” he boomed, “I’m going down to Sussex to see the defenders of our faith down there, so it was great to talk with you all and I look forward to seeing you at The Savoy Grill or The Glitz Bar one evening.”

“Cheerio, Tomcat,” chorused the assembled throng.

Tompkins left the room and hurled himself down the garden path before jumping over the gate and landing next to his motor.

He looked across the road and thought he spied a familiar face, a face he’d seen recently, in an Aston Martin DB9 on the corner.

“What’s that blighter doing here?” he said to himself under his breath, “how on earth did he know I was here?” Tompkins decided not to let on he had noticed anything, so he plunged to the pavement and pretended to tie his shoelaces, even though he was still wearing his slippers.

“Where’s my shoes?” he said out loud, looking in the front of the car, before finding them in the glove compartment.

“There must be a tracking device on my motor,” said Tompkins to himself, “and I know who put it there. Right, I have to find the gadget that Speedy Bee gave me for such occasions.”


Tompkins looked in the boot, found his bag of “personal effects”, and speeded off to the motorway services to find a suitable place to scan his vehicle. First though, he had to warn the chaps inside to exit via the backdoor and to use the secret stash of bicycles. He remembered the codes and the number of coos he had to emit for each.

“Coo, coo, coo,” cooed Tompkins.

Hearing nothing he continued – “Coo,coo, cooo…” however these coos were interrupted by a voice:

“Pigeons, take this…” followed by a discharge from a shotgun, which blew a section out of the yew hedge.

“Stop shooting,” shouted Tompkins, “I am giving a pigeon message in pigeonese.”


“Oh right, sorry about that,” said the voice. Tompkins heard the front door open and then a voice said, “Can you repeat that first bit, we missed that bit.”

Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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