Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 14

“I am fair to middling,” replied Tompkins, “had a prang yesterday in the motor, but obtained  another in the nick of time, so I could meet you all here today. How’s the wife and kids, Rev?”

“Try not to talk about them too much,” replied Rev Green, “especially North of the Trent, where it could become contentious, but they’re fine as they are.”

“Do you keep them under lock and key?”

“Oh no, nothing so barbaric, they live in the holiday home in the Dordogne, when they’re not in Monte Carlo playing the tables or in Acapulco staying with the mother-in-law.”

“Splendid idea, a moving target’s harder to hit.”

“Tomcat, how the devil are you?” asked Teddy Smethurst-Pugh.

“Teddy, I am fine, you know, Teddy, I will send you a pigeon – we will need your expertise soon to sort out a problem we have with a visiting dignitary from The Dark Side, who will arrive at a port in the near future.”

“Needs to be processed, does he?” replied Teddy.

“He should be taken care of and his contacts followed and their contacts noted down for our information.”

“Goes deep, does it Tomcat?” asked Noddy.

“Looks like it,” replied Tompkins gravely, “but this could be the final chapter in our fight against the foe until the next lot come along.”

“You mean, there will be others, Tomcat?”

“Invariably, just remember before the Poles came over here, fixing everything, there were the Indians and Bangladeshis, bringing us our national cuisine of choice in most cases, there’s always some race who wants to come here and upset things for us.”

“Right, yes, I suppose so, I see what you mean, the Jews during the Commonwealth of Olly Cromwell, the Normans, the Vikings, Norwegians, Danes, Jutes, Angles, Saxons, Romans, Celts, The Druids.”

“Right, all of them, I mean The Mongols were heading this way too, but they didn’t quite make it, did they?” Tompkins nodded his head as he spoke the words.

“No, but they were quite close, until they had to go back to elect The Great Khan, I believe.”

“The cheek! They thought our benefits were better.”

Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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