Satire – Tomcat Tompkins – 13

“Shall I tell the chaps?” asked Berty.

“Absolutely,” replied Tompkins, slapping Berty on the back and almost knocking him through the wall into the garden, such was the power of the friendly gesture, “but when I have tootled off to the country for the rest of the afternoon.”

“Hello Tomcat,” said Colonel Mustard, “do you know MI6 still hasn’t picked up on my name.”

“What, how ridiculous they are,” replied Tompkins, “perhaps they play Monopoly and Snakes and Ladders over there.”

“Ya, you’re right, as usual,” replied Mustard, “and the Reverend Green’s the same in the C of E. He’s in the running to be Archbishop of York, apparently, so perhaps he might have to disappear suddenly, to South America, on missionary work, and decline their offer, because someone in the press is bound to notice.”

“Yes, it’s the Rev Green, with the archbishopric, in York – but if there’s no murders, he should be OK.”

“Ya, and of course Miss Scarlett is too busy to be here, too many clients to entertain in her bedroom, spilling the beans about their various operations.”

“Oh, don’t mention her, she wore me out one afternoon a few years ago, before I met Filly of course, but she was incredible.” Tompkins blew out his cheeks.

“Tomcat,” said Noddy, “how goes the fight?”

“Splendidly,” replied Tompkins, “we are winning and the enemies of our country are being put to flight.”

“Flights sound expensive, unless they’re going with Easy Air or whatever their name is.”

Tompkins gave out a stentorian laugh that caused the pigeons to vacate the roof of the house in panic.

“Boffo sense of humour, as usual, Noddy, no they’re not flying they’re being chauffeured by me good spouse, as we speak,” continued Tompkins, tapping the side of his nose conspiratorially, “she’s taking them on a mystery tour back to their own country.”


“How do we make sure they don’t come back?”

“We have a cunning ruse, we take away their passports and any visas they may have, so they can’t return to Old Blighty without a mighty effort on their part.”

“Tomcat,” said the Reverend Green, “how the blazes are you?”

Published by Julian Worker

I was born in Leicester. I attended school in Yorkshire and University in Liverpool. I have been to 93 countries and territories including The Balkans and Armenia in 2015, France and Slovakia in 2016, and some of the Greek Islands in 2017. My sense of humour is distilled from The Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Midsomer Murders. I love being creative in my writing and I love writing about travelling. My next books are a travel book about Greece and a novel inspired by Brexit.

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