Gemma and Freddie – newspaper column extract

Dear Gemma:

My name is Elizabeth and I am a one-year old hamster from New Westminster. I want to escape.  Do you have any advice?

Gemma says: Our gaolers are going on holiday from December 4th to December 20th inclusive. Perhaps you could stay with us? (We haven’t eaten raw meat for ages – Freddie). They are going to a place called Airship i think they said. (There is no place called Airship in the atlas – Freddie). Having looked in the dictionary, we think they are going on holiday in a big balloon, but where are they going? They have stolen our idea, I just hope they aren’t going to Swaziland because that is where Freddie wants to go! (They could take me with them and leave me there – Freddie). We hope they don’t take our store of salmon dinner with them, we would have to start our hoarding of tins again and it is such an effort to cut down on our intake of food, but it is for a long term gain and Freddie isn’t as fat as he once was. (that is not very nice Gemma, at least I exercise by chasing a mouse around the kitchen, unlike you, who just lies down all the time – Freddie). We haven’t been doing a great deal as we couldn’t get into the bookcase to further plan Freddie’s route to Swaziland, the blancmange-coloured country he so likes the colour of. We haven’t even seen our next door neighbour Cosmo who is getting our balloon for us. Freddie now thinks we have to just breathe heavily into the balloon to allow us to take off into the sky rather than exploding a bomb under the balloon with us in it. He has been reading about words and expressions that sound exactly the same but can mean more than one thing (Homey Gyms is the proper name I believe – Freddie). Blow Up can mean explode and inflate, which we prefer as it isn’t so violent. We will have to work hard to inflate the balloon with our small lungs. We have been practising blowing but aren’t very good at it, as we haven’t had to do much blowing in our lives up to this point. (It will take 1,371 blows according to my calculations – Freddie). We are confused about blowing too because humans blow on their food to cool it down yet blow on their hands to warm them up. Does this mean our balloon will be hot or cold, do you think? Or just lukewarm perhaps?
Comrade Gemma and Brother Fred